When Food FAILS You! Protein Powder Edition

Yesterday, I fell victim to one of the most epic food fails yet and at a time so close to competition. This disastrous food fail was quite comical to those around me who were witness to my blood curdling screams when I came to the realization of what had transpired.

You must first understand that I have an ongoing battle with anything that I intend to consume as sustenance. This is my third instalment of “When Food Fails You”, so for details on this ongoing food war, read my pervious posts. This time however, the battle was with the almighty protein powder. I had previously thought that we were friends, chums, bosom buddies even. We even made it though airport security together when I brought protein powder on vacation with me in the fall. When someone carries a white powdery substance through airport security, there are no guarantees that you won’t be escorted to a camera filled room and given a cavity search. Hell, you might as well announce that you are hiding guns under your shirt. “But officer, I just meant my biceps, not real guns.” Needless to say, I didn’t expect to have to deal with mischief from my “friend” Mr.Protein. Apparently the protein Gods decided now was the perfect time to F with me now that we are just under 2 weeks out from my first show of 2014.

Let me explain how the devious protein devils did the deed. Remember that I told you about the new guy I’m seeing? Well ordinarily when I stay over at someone’s house, I will bring my breakfast of an oatmeal/protein mix for the next morning. “I have oatmeal and some natural whey protein” said new guy. So I decided I would forgo bringing my own food and just eat his instead. Well, whether he knew it or not, he was in leagues with the protein powder pests in their attempts at sabotage.

Come morning time, I went to the kitchen, poured myself some oatmeal, protein and milk. Once heated up, I proceeded to enjoy a delicious breakfast. When I had finished, I went back to look at the tub of protein to assess ingredients, brand, etc. It was at this point that I realized that I had fallen victim to unspeakable acts of devious fuckery. Written in big letters on the front of the tub was “Mass Gainer”… It was as though the letters were taunting me. They were saying, “We preyed on you in your groggy morning state and you didn’t see the large text right on the front of the protein. Muahaha you fool!” Yes…it is true. I took mass gaining protein 2 weeks before my show. For any of you unaware, this is the time that I need to be cutting, not bulking. New guy has some roommates and they were lounging in the living room at the time when they heard, “YOU GAVE ME MASS GAINER?!?” ring out from the kitchen. To add to the chorus of cheers from the pesky protein Gods, now the roommates were jeering as well. For some reason, my foolish error was comical for all to see. F. Thanks for the support world. In new guy’s defence, he claims that he was unaware that it was a mass gainer. It was apparently a tub of protein he hadn’t even used in a while and he really doesn’t know up from down when it comes to supplements. I’ll let it slide this time… However, come competition time, if I come in any place other than first place, at least I know who I can name as the scapegoat.

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